10:48pm Saturday May 25th 2012. In 114 days I will be 25. In 137 days my baby will be 1. In 147 days, my partner and I will share another anniversary. In 190 days my partner will be 26. In 250 days Master Bumblebee will be 7. Numbers. There are so many numbers. So many life memories are marked with numbers.
I have been on this earth for 9,017 days. That equals 216,408 hours. 12,984,480 minutes. For some reason, this doesn't seem very long to me. Yet so much has happened during my short life, so much has changed. I have laughed and I have cried. I have lost a brother, loved family members like they are brothers. Lost friends, found out who is really there. Had my heart broken. Found the love of my life. Had two wonderful (although sometimes annoying) children. Found a job I actually enjoy doing. Created a home for my family to be happy in. Learnt to stand my ground. Chased my dreams. Learn't to let the right people in. Still trying to learn to let the walls fully down, but we will get there one day.
792 days ago I met my wonderful partner. I didn't know it then, but he changed my life forever. I still remember our first conversation, it was him interviewing me for the job I am currently doing. How quickly things have changed. 792 days ago, I was in a relationship (if you could call it that) with a person I didn't want to be with. was living in a place I didn't want to be. I had just left a job I didn't want to leave. Who knew that applying for my current job ( I only did it for something to do) would change my life so much. I met the love of my life. Met some wonderful people that I class as friends. Found some self pride in what I do. This time 792 days ago, I was screaming on the inside, desperately wanting to get out of the nightmare that was my life. Truth in the matter, the only reason I took my job, was to try and get enough money for me and my son to escape it all. Then my knight in shining armor appeared.
I have been through some pretty low times. I have always managed to slowly drag myself out of these, but always had that dark cloud in the back of my mind that I'd end up right back where I started from. 2,306 days ago I became a mum for the first time. I was only a baby myself. I was 6,711 days old. 18 years, 4 months and 14 days. That dark cloud seemed to vanish for a while. Things were finally looking up despite a few speed-humps along the way. But that all changed when Master Bumblebee was about 8 months old, the same age that my bubba is now. I was living in a town hours away from my friends and family, where I didn't know anyone. It started out very slowly, first I would spend hours just staring at the floor, then I would have trouble getting out of bed. It dawned on me one day that I couldn't remember the last time that I smiled or laughed or even felt happy or interested in anything that was going on. Little did I know it, but this was the beginning of post-natal depression. Took me months to even realise that something was wrong.
Those days are long behind me now. I cannot even think of the last time I felt like there was nothing worth smiling about. The only thing that I worry about now is turning a quarter of a century old in 114 days.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Saturday, 31 March 2012
A letter to my little brother...
Dear Michael,
Today is March 31st 2012. It is the 15th anniversary since I held your little hand for the last time. 15 whole years. It feels like forever since you left us, but I can still remember that day, moment for moment like it was yesterday.
It was a Monday. It was Easter Monday to be exact. We were at Angelsea on a family holiday with Mum, Dad and Nan. We had been having the best Easter holiday ever, because for once, you weren't sick and was able to eat your Easter eggs on Easter for the first time. We had spent the weekend pretending your pram was a race car, going over all the speed bumps in the caravan park. We had been to the beach. We had sat together and you watched me colour in my favourite Barney colouring book. We got to share bunk beds together for the first time as well.
We woke up on the Monday, our last day of our holiday. You were feeling a little bit unwell. I remember Mum and Dad packing up our cabin as we sat with Nan on the couch. We all got into the car and we were on our way home. You were getting sicker and sicker as we went. I sat there holding your little hand, feeling sorry for you, as I was normally the one to get sick in the car on a long drive. You eventually fell asleep not long before we got home. When we got home, Mum and Dad unpacked the car. You were still getting sicker and sicker.
Mum decided to take you to the hospital to get you looked at. Your second home you could call it, you had spent nearly half your life there already. I stayed at home with Dad and Nan, thinking that you would either be home before dinner or you would have one of your sleepovers in the Children's Ward. I swear the nurses made you stay there for no reason sometimes because you would always make them laugh.
After a little while, I decided to go and play with the next door neighbor, as I was sure that you and Mum would be home when I got back. Not long after I had got there, there was a knock on the front door. It was Dad telling Laura's mum that he was going to the hospital, but to tell me that he would be home soon and that Nan would be there when I got home. I didn't stay for much longer after then, because I was starting to get a weird feeling.
I decided to go home at about 4. When I jumped over the garden that separated our house from Laura's house, I could see Josh, Ged, Pat, and Ben and our step aunty had just got to our house. They all had weird looks on there faces. Nan had come outside at that point too. I was so excited to see them, as they never really came to our house all that often anymore. Lois took me by the hand and sat me on our front steps. She then sat down next to me, with Nan behind me, and our cousins in front of me. It was then that Lois told me that you wouldn't be coming home with Mum like I thought, but instead you had gone to heaven.
I didn't know what to do or what to say. I just sat there, numb. I stood up and our cousins all came up and gave me a hug one by one. Not long after this, Dad's boss Pete, came to take me and Nan to see you at the hospital. When we got there, Dad was sitting outside waiting for us. I could tell by looking at him that he had been crying. He sat me up on the big brick wall to ask me if I knew what had happened. I just looked at him and nodded. He took my hand and we walked through the big sliding doors of the emergency room, where everyone waiting would look up to see who was coming in. We didn't sit down with everyone else this time. A young nurse came straight up to us with this sad, sympathetic look on her face, and asked us to follow her.
She took us through another big heavy door to a room where there were all these other little rooms coming off it. She took us to a little room on the left. There was Mum sitting next to you. You were laying on a bed with a big warm blanket on you. You looked like you were sleeping. Mum was holding your hand and patting your head, and she was crying. I didn't think you had really gone because of how much you looked like you were sleeping. I just stood there looking at you, trying to process everything. I remember taking very little, slow steps towards you, as if to not wake you up. I touched your hand and felt how cold you were. Why wasn't the blanket working? I couldn't figure out how you could be so cold. It was then that I realised my mum was holding your hands, she was trying to make them warm. She hated it when we were cold.
I lent over you and gave you a kiss on your forehead. It was then that I realised that you weren't going to wake up. You really had gone to heaven. But I still couldn't comprehend that you weren't going to come home with me. Never again would I hear you talking to yourself in your cot at 5AM. Never again would you knock on my bedroom door to come and sit with me and listen to your tapes. Never again would I be able to pinch the banana custard out of your bowl at dinner time. I would never see you smile again. I would never hear you sing twinkle twinkle again. You were gone.
It was then that everyone else came into the little room. The room was dark. The only light was behind you and mum. And it was so cold. It was as if you had taken all the warmth and light with you when you left. I can still picture you lying on that bed, sleeping. Your pale cold skin. Your soft dark hair. Your tiny little hands. Never would we have a Easter or Christmas together. We wouldn't be able to steal each others birthday presents again. In 4 weeks and 6 days you would be turning 20. You were robbed of your last birthday on this earth by a mere month.
I wish you were here today. There is so much I wish you could see. Your two beautiful nephews. You have loved them so much. Little things they do, remind me of you, which is nice. It's like a little part of you lives on in them. I still look at your pictures from time to time, wondering what you would look like now. Wondering how different our lives would be if that day had of happened differently. Everytime I walk past that brick wall at the hospital, I still see the sad look on Dad's face. They have completely changed the hospital since that day. The emergency room is in a new part of the hospital now, but the old one still sits there. It looks different now, but whenever I walk through those doors, it's like walking back in time. The small dark, cold room where I came to see you is still there too. That doesn't look any different, even after all of these years.
I have lots count of the amount of times I have cried today. Wanting you to be here. A man once said, time heals all wounds. This is not true. If it did, I would be fine every year when this date comes. Instead I try to convince myself that I will be, but end up falling apart at random intervals. 3PM is still very hard. I miss you more every year. But I know you are looking over me, and your nephews. I love you. Give Nan a big hug for me.
Love always,
Your big sister xxx
Today is March 31st 2012. It is the 15th anniversary since I held your little hand for the last time. 15 whole years. It feels like forever since you left us, but I can still remember that day, moment for moment like it was yesterday.
It was a Monday. It was Easter Monday to be exact. We were at Angelsea on a family holiday with Mum, Dad and Nan. We had been having the best Easter holiday ever, because for once, you weren't sick and was able to eat your Easter eggs on Easter for the first time. We had spent the weekend pretending your pram was a race car, going over all the speed bumps in the caravan park. We had been to the beach. We had sat together and you watched me colour in my favourite Barney colouring book. We got to share bunk beds together for the first time as well.
We woke up on the Monday, our last day of our holiday. You were feeling a little bit unwell. I remember Mum and Dad packing up our cabin as we sat with Nan on the couch. We all got into the car and we were on our way home. You were getting sicker and sicker as we went. I sat there holding your little hand, feeling sorry for you, as I was normally the one to get sick in the car on a long drive. You eventually fell asleep not long before we got home. When we got home, Mum and Dad unpacked the car. You were still getting sicker and sicker.
Mum decided to take you to the hospital to get you looked at. Your second home you could call it, you had spent nearly half your life there already. I stayed at home with Dad and Nan, thinking that you would either be home before dinner or you would have one of your sleepovers in the Children's Ward. I swear the nurses made you stay there for no reason sometimes because you would always make them laugh.
After a little while, I decided to go and play with the next door neighbor, as I was sure that you and Mum would be home when I got back. Not long after I had got there, there was a knock on the front door. It was Dad telling Laura's mum that he was going to the hospital, but to tell me that he would be home soon and that Nan would be there when I got home. I didn't stay for much longer after then, because I was starting to get a weird feeling.
I decided to go home at about 4. When I jumped over the garden that separated our house from Laura's house, I could see Josh, Ged, Pat, and Ben and our step aunty had just got to our house. They all had weird looks on there faces. Nan had come outside at that point too. I was so excited to see them, as they never really came to our house all that often anymore. Lois took me by the hand and sat me on our front steps. She then sat down next to me, with Nan behind me, and our cousins in front of me. It was then that Lois told me that you wouldn't be coming home with Mum like I thought, but instead you had gone to heaven.
I didn't know what to do or what to say. I just sat there, numb. I stood up and our cousins all came up and gave me a hug one by one. Not long after this, Dad's boss Pete, came to take me and Nan to see you at the hospital. When we got there, Dad was sitting outside waiting for us. I could tell by looking at him that he had been crying. He sat me up on the big brick wall to ask me if I knew what had happened. I just looked at him and nodded. He took my hand and we walked through the big sliding doors of the emergency room, where everyone waiting would look up to see who was coming in. We didn't sit down with everyone else this time. A young nurse came straight up to us with this sad, sympathetic look on her face, and asked us to follow her.
She took us through another big heavy door to a room where there were all these other little rooms coming off it. She took us to a little room on the left. There was Mum sitting next to you. You were laying on a bed with a big warm blanket on you. You looked like you were sleeping. Mum was holding your hand and patting your head, and she was crying. I didn't think you had really gone because of how much you looked like you were sleeping. I just stood there looking at you, trying to process everything. I remember taking very little, slow steps towards you, as if to not wake you up. I touched your hand and felt how cold you were. Why wasn't the blanket working? I couldn't figure out how you could be so cold. It was then that I realised my mum was holding your hands, she was trying to make them warm. She hated it when we were cold.
I lent over you and gave you a kiss on your forehead. It was then that I realised that you weren't going to wake up. You really had gone to heaven. But I still couldn't comprehend that you weren't going to come home with me. Never again would I hear you talking to yourself in your cot at 5AM. Never again would you knock on my bedroom door to come and sit with me and listen to your tapes. Never again would I be able to pinch the banana custard out of your bowl at dinner time. I would never see you smile again. I would never hear you sing twinkle twinkle again. You were gone.
It was then that everyone else came into the little room. The room was dark. The only light was behind you and mum. And it was so cold. It was as if you had taken all the warmth and light with you when you left. I can still picture you lying on that bed, sleeping. Your pale cold skin. Your soft dark hair. Your tiny little hands. Never would we have a Easter or Christmas together. We wouldn't be able to steal each others birthday presents again. In 4 weeks and 6 days you would be turning 20. You were robbed of your last birthday on this earth by a mere month.
I wish you were here today. There is so much I wish you could see. Your two beautiful nephews. You have loved them so much. Little things they do, remind me of you, which is nice. It's like a little part of you lives on in them. I still look at your pictures from time to time, wondering what you would look like now. Wondering how different our lives would be if that day had of happened differently. Everytime I walk past that brick wall at the hospital, I still see the sad look on Dad's face. They have completely changed the hospital since that day. The emergency room is in a new part of the hospital now, but the old one still sits there. It looks different now, but whenever I walk through those doors, it's like walking back in time. The small dark, cold room where I came to see you is still there too. That doesn't look any different, even after all of these years.
I have lots count of the amount of times I have cried today. Wanting you to be here. A man once said, time heals all wounds. This is not true. If it did, I would be fine every year when this date comes. Instead I try to convince myself that I will be, but end up falling apart at random intervals. 3PM is still very hard. I miss you more every year. But I know you are looking over me, and your nephews. I love you. Give Nan a big hug for me.
Love always,
Your big sister xxx
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Words Cannot Explain.....
I sat here for about 5 minutes trying to think of a name for this post, only to realise that I cannot fathom words to explain exactly what I'm about to blog about. Now, I don't know weather I'm just getting a little sentimental as I get older or what but I have come to the realisation that I feel very strongly about certain things and certain people that share such a massive importance in my life.
The people in my life at this point of time are in my life for one reason and one reason only. My family, because they have always been there for me, and no matter what their faults are, I will always love them because they are mine and nothing in this world will change that. My friends, because they choose to stick by my side, even when I do stupid things and act like an immature, erratic twat. I may only have a small hand full of people I give the special title of true friends to, but they have earnt their place. My children, they are the reason I get out of bed and do what I do everyday. They give my life meaning and something to look forward to.
Apart from my kids, there is only one person who gets the biggest part of my life, that being my partner. He is by far, the MOST amazingly kind, loving, funny, frustrating, smart, fulfilling, perfect person I could ever possibly fall in love with in the whole wide world. I am so lucky to be able to call him mine and share everything this world has to throw at us together. I could not begin to describe to you exactly how much he means to me because I honestly don't think the words exist that describe it exactly. Even if there was, I don't think you would be able to understand 100%. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he has taught me to love someone like there isn't tomorrow. Unconditionally. Just trying to think of all the things he means to me is making me tear up a little to be honest haha! Thank god he is busy playing StarCraft right now, or else he would turn around to tell me something and see and would start quizzing me why!
Some people spend all their life's trying to find that one person who makes them feel like they are on top of the world, someone who makes them feel like life cannot get any better, that one person who makes them feel complete. Some of those people never find that feeling. Some people do, and do nothing about it, then when its gone they realise that is was there but isn't anymore. Some people are lucky enough to find that, and know what is standing right in front of them, and they never have a reason not to smile again.
I must admit that I do take him for granted sometimes, and that is something I am not proud of. I sometimes assume he will always be there, no matter what. But then I get thinking and I realise that it isn't set in stone that we will be here tomorrow. I couldn't even promise you that you will still be here in 10 minutes time. Whenever I think about this, I think of him, and remember how much I love and adore him. I still get the same butterflies that I got when we first got together. I've never met anyone who can make me feel so many different emotions, all at one time.
He is my world, my everything, who I will always be in love with no matter what. He is my best friend. My soft place to fall. My rock to lean on. I love him more then anyone could ever love another person. Everyday I fall more and more in love with him. There will never be a day where I wake up that I haven't fallen in love with him even more. Never will there be a day when I don't need him or want him or choose him. I will always need him, want him, choose him. I will love him beyond my last day on this earth.
The people in my life at this point of time are in my life for one reason and one reason only. My family, because they have always been there for me, and no matter what their faults are, I will always love them because they are mine and nothing in this world will change that. My friends, because they choose to stick by my side, even when I do stupid things and act like an immature, erratic twat. I may only have a small hand full of people I give the special title of true friends to, but they have earnt their place. My children, they are the reason I get out of bed and do what I do everyday. They give my life meaning and something to look forward to.
Apart from my kids, there is only one person who gets the biggest part of my life, that being my partner. He is by far, the MOST amazingly kind, loving, funny, frustrating, smart, fulfilling, perfect person I could ever possibly fall in love with in the whole wide world. I am so lucky to be able to call him mine and share everything this world has to throw at us together. I could not begin to describe to you exactly how much he means to me because I honestly don't think the words exist that describe it exactly. Even if there was, I don't think you would be able to understand 100%. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he has taught me to love someone like there isn't tomorrow. Unconditionally. Just trying to think of all the things he means to me is making me tear up a little to be honest haha! Thank god he is busy playing StarCraft right now, or else he would turn around to tell me something and see and would start quizzing me why!
Some people spend all their life's trying to find that one person who makes them feel like they are on top of the world, someone who makes them feel like life cannot get any better, that one person who makes them feel complete. Some of those people never find that feeling. Some people do, and do nothing about it, then when its gone they realise that is was there but isn't anymore. Some people are lucky enough to find that, and know what is standing right in front of them, and they never have a reason not to smile again.
I must admit that I do take him for granted sometimes, and that is something I am not proud of. I sometimes assume he will always be there, no matter what. But then I get thinking and I realise that it isn't set in stone that we will be here tomorrow. I couldn't even promise you that you will still be here in 10 minutes time. Whenever I think about this, I think of him, and remember how much I love and adore him. I still get the same butterflies that I got when we first got together. I've never met anyone who can make me feel so many different emotions, all at one time.
He is my world, my everything, who I will always be in love with no matter what. He is my best friend. My soft place to fall. My rock to lean on. I love him more then anyone could ever love another person. Everyday I fall more and more in love with him. There will never be a day where I wake up that I haven't fallen in love with him even more. Never will there be a day when I don't need him or want him or choose him. I will always need him, want him, choose him. I will love him beyond my last day on this earth.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
The Chronicles of Kimmi D and Missy Dub
In my last blog, I mentioned that I had recently rekindled a relationship with a friend of mine by the name of Melzy. My aim was to write just one paragraph about her and our friendship, prior to when we lost touch for a couple of years. One paragraph was not possible, so I decided to dedicate this entire blog post to her.
The best friend I have ever had in my life. I have known Melzy since I was in grade 6 (1999). I remember her from primary school as this shy, quiet little girl, a much different version of the Melzy of today! I used to volunteer for the local CFA Junior Brigade, and her mum was one of our supervisors. Given this, Melzy was often at the station with her mum. Over the next few years, when we were both attending the same high school, our friendship grew. We participated in Extra Curriculum activities together such as participating in the 2003 Rock Eistedfodd Challenge at (previously known as) Vodafone Arena in Melbourne, in front of a crowd of roughly 10,000 people, and in our school's musical "Charades". We both also, were in the school's Vocal group, and would preform together on a regular basis. We would do all the usual teenage things, have our sleepovers where we would swap clothes, stories about boys etc. The stories I could tell you about us, well you would need a few spare hours to read it all! Some of my most favourtie memories from our teenage years, consist of mud puddles, changing of song lyrics, sitting on car port roofs, and not caring what anyone thought of us.
I always, and by always I mean on a weekly basis, I get this one song that Melzy changed the words to, stuck in my head. The song was 'Bad Boy for Life' by P. Diddy. The actual lyrics to the song are "We ain't, go-in nowhere, we ain't, goin nowhere, we can't be stopped now, cause this bad boy for life." Melzy changed the words, to suit us at the time (after having a mud fight in a puddle next to a bus stop on the main street of Buninyong) to, "We ain't go-in nowhere, we ain't go-in nowhere, we can't be stopped now, we are retards for life." That song still makes me laugh!
Now that particular mud fight of ours was not a once off! Whilst on a camping trip with my family to Picola on the Murray River one Easter, Melzy and I decided after being bored for a good couple hours, that we were going to go for a walk through the Barmah State Forest, where we were camping, to explore our surroundings. After about an hour and a half, we returned to our campsite, covered from head to toe, in the thickest mud we could find! It was then that we realized we were in the middle of the bush, with no hot shower! That river was very bloody cold I can tell you that much! Fast forward about 2 years. We decided to go to the Lake Bolac BNS Ball in 2006 with a few of my friends. During this time, Victoria was experiencing a very bad drought, and all of the lakes had dried up. Lake Bolac consisted of a puddle rounded by kilometers of wet dark mud. Being bored once again, we thought it would be entertaining to mud wrestle in the remains of the lake. It was only after about 5 minutes of pushing each other over face first, that we realized we had a crowd of about 30 people watching us from the lake foreshore. That did not stop our fun. But after about the 10th "Take your clothes off" comment from some drunker wank, we decided to call it a day. We again, realized that we were camping, and again had no hot shower! We washed off what mud we could, and proceeded into the BNS Ball with mud everywhere still!
Our drunken antics were enough to get us killed! The amount of stupidly reckless things we would participate in were amazing! I remember one night in particular. It was a typical Saturday night in the life of Kimmi and Melzy. We were in the middle of Ballarat with all of the teenagers and their hotted up cars. Our mate Brad was the first one out of all of us to get his licence, and we were forever where he was. We were bored and were looking for some fun, so 7 of us piled into Brad's old Commodore (four in the back, me in the front seat and Melzy sitting on the floor at my feet). Brad decided he wanted to do some rally driving through the Canadian State Forest at about 2AM with no headlights on. Now Brad had driven this track thousands of times and could most likely drive it with his eyes closed. So here we were, overloaded, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the bush driving at about 160KPH with no headlights. Now I trusted Brad with my life while in the car with him, obviously if I was prepared to be a front seat passenger while he did this, but this was a little bit too much for me. I was scared out of my brains and decided it was acceptable to scream haha. Well as Melzy was sitting at my feet, she could not see where we were or that Brad had no lights on. She knew that I trusted Brad in the car, so if I was screaming, she knew something crazy was happening. That in itself was enough for her to cut the circulation to my legs by hugging them so tight! Obviously, nothing bad happened to us! Another time, was were Brad had came into a street a bit too quick, resulting in the car doing a complete 360. During this, we were both screaming! When we came to a stop, there was complete silence for about 20 seconds, followed by Melzy saying at the top of her lungs, "Let's do that again!"
The summer of 2004-05 was one of the best I have had. My parent's were away for all but about 4 days of that summer, so it was fairly safe to say that my place became the party central of Buninyong. Every Friday and Saturday night my house would be packed to the rafters of drunken teenagers, doing what they do best. Melzy pretty much became part of the furniture of my house that summer. During the day, while staying at home was a lame option, we would sunbake at the skate park or sit on top of my carport, drinking cruiser's and throwing water bombs at whoever came our way. Or we would push our mates around in garbage bins down the main street! It also, was a regular occurrance to see Melzy and myself sitting in front of the local milk bar in our PJ's, hungover, with our greasy food, OJ and smokes. We would stay there a good hour some days. Some of the best memories I have are from that summer.
The following year, I had Master Bumblebee. So the antics of the previous summer were non existent. None the less, Melzy was still there. Now she was a 17 year old, with no responsibilities unlike myself, yet she still spend most of her time with me. That's a true friend. Whilst I was pregnant with Master Bumblebee, I turned 18. Melzy made damn sure that I had a great 18th birthday even though I was the only sober person at my party. I recently looked back at my 18th birthday key, and could do nothing but laugh at the random things she had written in there. Things like 'Everyone has AIDS!'. That word pretty much sums up Melzy, random!
Exactly 6 months after my 18th birthday, we celebrated Melzy's 18th birthday. You see, we are exactly to the day 6 months apart in age. We are both born on the 17th of the month. Now what else is there to do in Ballarat on your 18th, apart from getting ridiculously drunk! And that we did! We shared a dinner with Melzy's family, and then we both proceeded to explore the nightlife of Ballarat. Now as I was pregnant when I turned 18, I never really went out. Melzy was the first one of my friends to turn 18 after me. We were both in unfamiliar territory. We started out at a place called Club Q. It was a pool hall, and we soon became friends the young guy behind the bar. He used to make us our favorite shots, and every time we went out after that night, that was a our first stop. Now we had been at Club Q for quiet some time, having shots and playing pool. We decided it was time to move onto the next watering hole. We were headed for a nightclub that is no longer open, called 21 Arms. This club was located at 21 Armstrong Street, hence the name. Now from Club Q to 21 Arms, it was about a 10 minute walk. It took us almost 50 minutes to get there! Only because we had to stop at every second doorway up Sturt Street so that Melzy could throw up! At this time, Melzy had a huge crush on this kid named Mick. As Melzy was wasted, she started singing at the top of her lungs, "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey!" Just as she stopped singing, who other then Mick came walking straight for us! I have never seen Melzy's face go so red in my life! After that, we finally made it 21 Arms and we had a blast for the rest of our night.
Fast forward 2 more years, and Melzy had come a far way since her spewing escapades of her 18th, as Melzy was going to become a mum herself. Melzy had met a kid by the name of Corey at a club in Melbourne, and they had been pretty much inseparable ever since. Christmas of 2008, I received a phone call from Melzy to tell me that Corey had proposed to her, and that she was getting married! She was so happy.
On February 13th 2009, Melzy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Summer. She was, and still is, a spitting image of her mum as a baby. Both Melzy and Corey were ecstatic at the new member of their family. I could tell that they were going to be awesome parents.
Melzy and I stopped talking not long after this part of our lives. It was a few months after Melzy's 21st birthday. What happened here is a long and personal story, so I won't go into details of what happened. We did not speak to each other again for 2 and a half years. Melzy's little girl is now one week off turning 3. I have not only missed out on more then 2 years of my best friends life, I have also missed out on Summer. I wasn't there when she learnt to crawl, when she got her first tooth, when she learnt how to walk, her first word, her first birthday. All of these massive milestones, gone. She is still the most gorgeous little thing, and she is still the spitting image of her mum. Melzy is the best mum, as I knew from the day Summer was born, that she would be.
Now not only does Melzy and Corey celebrate their daughter's 3rd birthday this year, they are also getting married in March. I cannot believe Melzy is getting married!!! I remember all those years ago, I lost track of the amount of times I heard Melzy say we was NEVER going to get married. Corey said something to me a week or so ago, that made me realize that he loves her more then anyone else in this world, "I can't believe I'm getting married in 5 weeks. I couldn't be happier, because Melzy is my best mate". I will be standing there, proud as anything when she marries Corey. This day, will be one that I will remember, and smile about for years and years to come.
So as you can see, Melzy and I have been to the end of the earth and back for each other and with each other. I am so fortunate to have her back in my life, and I will never let another day go by where I let my selfish actions impact that. Here's to many more years of friendship, many more happy memories, and many more milestones shared.
The best friend I have ever had in my life. I have known Melzy since I was in grade 6 (1999). I remember her from primary school as this shy, quiet little girl, a much different version of the Melzy of today! I used to volunteer for the local CFA Junior Brigade, and her mum was one of our supervisors. Given this, Melzy was often at the station with her mum. Over the next few years, when we were both attending the same high school, our friendship grew. We participated in Extra Curriculum activities together such as participating in the 2003 Rock Eistedfodd Challenge at (previously known as) Vodafone Arena in Melbourne, in front of a crowd of roughly 10,000 people, and in our school's musical "Charades". We both also, were in the school's Vocal group, and would preform together on a regular basis. We would do all the usual teenage things, have our sleepovers where we would swap clothes, stories about boys etc. The stories I could tell you about us, well you would need a few spare hours to read it all! Some of my most favourtie memories from our teenage years, consist of mud puddles, changing of song lyrics, sitting on car port roofs, and not caring what anyone thought of us.
I always, and by always I mean on a weekly basis, I get this one song that Melzy changed the words to, stuck in my head. The song was 'Bad Boy for Life' by P. Diddy. The actual lyrics to the song are "We ain't, go-in nowhere, we ain't, goin nowhere, we can't be stopped now, cause this bad boy for life." Melzy changed the words, to suit us at the time (after having a mud fight in a puddle next to a bus stop on the main street of Buninyong) to, "We ain't go-in nowhere, we ain't go-in nowhere, we can't be stopped now, we are retards for life." That song still makes me laugh!
Now that particular mud fight of ours was not a once off! Whilst on a camping trip with my family to Picola on the Murray River one Easter, Melzy and I decided after being bored for a good couple hours, that we were going to go for a walk through the Barmah State Forest, where we were camping, to explore our surroundings. After about an hour and a half, we returned to our campsite, covered from head to toe, in the thickest mud we could find! It was then that we realized we were in the middle of the bush, with no hot shower! That river was very bloody cold I can tell you that much! Fast forward about 2 years. We decided to go to the Lake Bolac BNS Ball in 2006 with a few of my friends. During this time, Victoria was experiencing a very bad drought, and all of the lakes had dried up. Lake Bolac consisted of a puddle rounded by kilometers of wet dark mud. Being bored once again, we thought it would be entertaining to mud wrestle in the remains of the lake. It was only after about 5 minutes of pushing each other over face first, that we realized we had a crowd of about 30 people watching us from the lake foreshore. That did not stop our fun. But after about the 10th "Take your clothes off" comment from some drunker wank, we decided to call it a day. We again, realized that we were camping, and again had no hot shower! We washed off what mud we could, and proceeded into the BNS Ball with mud everywhere still!
Our drunken antics were enough to get us killed! The amount of stupidly reckless things we would participate in were amazing! I remember one night in particular. It was a typical Saturday night in the life of Kimmi and Melzy. We were in the middle of Ballarat with all of the teenagers and their hotted up cars. Our mate Brad was the first one out of all of us to get his licence, and we were forever where he was. We were bored and were looking for some fun, so 7 of us piled into Brad's old Commodore (four in the back, me in the front seat and Melzy sitting on the floor at my feet). Brad decided he wanted to do some rally driving through the Canadian State Forest at about 2AM with no headlights on. Now Brad had driven this track thousands of times and could most likely drive it with his eyes closed. So here we were, overloaded, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the bush driving at about 160KPH with no headlights. Now I trusted Brad with my life while in the car with him, obviously if I was prepared to be a front seat passenger while he did this, but this was a little bit too much for me. I was scared out of my brains and decided it was acceptable to scream haha. Well as Melzy was sitting at my feet, she could not see where we were or that Brad had no lights on. She knew that I trusted Brad in the car, so if I was screaming, she knew something crazy was happening. That in itself was enough for her to cut the circulation to my legs by hugging them so tight! Obviously, nothing bad happened to us! Another time, was were Brad had came into a street a bit too quick, resulting in the car doing a complete 360. During this, we were both screaming! When we came to a stop, there was complete silence for about 20 seconds, followed by Melzy saying at the top of her lungs, "Let's do that again!"
The summer of 2004-05 was one of the best I have had. My parent's were away for all but about 4 days of that summer, so it was fairly safe to say that my place became the party central of Buninyong. Every Friday and Saturday night my house would be packed to the rafters of drunken teenagers, doing what they do best. Melzy pretty much became part of the furniture of my house that summer. During the day, while staying at home was a lame option, we would sunbake at the skate park or sit on top of my carport, drinking cruiser's and throwing water bombs at whoever came our way. Or we would push our mates around in garbage bins down the main street! It also, was a regular occurrance to see Melzy and myself sitting in front of the local milk bar in our PJ's, hungover, with our greasy food, OJ and smokes. We would stay there a good hour some days. Some of the best memories I have are from that summer.
The following year, I had Master Bumblebee. So the antics of the previous summer were non existent. None the less, Melzy was still there. Now she was a 17 year old, with no responsibilities unlike myself, yet she still spend most of her time with me. That's a true friend. Whilst I was pregnant with Master Bumblebee, I turned 18. Melzy made damn sure that I had a great 18th birthday even though I was the only sober person at my party. I recently looked back at my 18th birthday key, and could do nothing but laugh at the random things she had written in there. Things like 'Everyone has AIDS!'. That word pretty much sums up Melzy, random!
Exactly 6 months after my 18th birthday, we celebrated Melzy's 18th birthday. You see, we are exactly to the day 6 months apart in age. We are both born on the 17th of the month. Now what else is there to do in Ballarat on your 18th, apart from getting ridiculously drunk! And that we did! We shared a dinner with Melzy's family, and then we both proceeded to explore the nightlife of Ballarat. Now as I was pregnant when I turned 18, I never really went out. Melzy was the first one of my friends to turn 18 after me. We were both in unfamiliar territory. We started out at a place called Club Q. It was a pool hall, and we soon became friends the young guy behind the bar. He used to make us our favorite shots, and every time we went out after that night, that was a our first stop. Now we had been at Club Q for quiet some time, having shots and playing pool. We decided it was time to move onto the next watering hole. We were headed for a nightclub that is no longer open, called 21 Arms. This club was located at 21 Armstrong Street, hence the name. Now from Club Q to 21 Arms, it was about a 10 minute walk. It took us almost 50 minutes to get there! Only because we had to stop at every second doorway up Sturt Street so that Melzy could throw up! At this time, Melzy had a huge crush on this kid named Mick. As Melzy was wasted, she started singing at the top of her lungs, "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey!" Just as she stopped singing, who other then Mick came walking straight for us! I have never seen Melzy's face go so red in my life! After that, we finally made it 21 Arms and we had a blast for the rest of our night.
Fast forward 2 more years, and Melzy had come a far way since her spewing escapades of her 18th, as Melzy was going to become a mum herself. Melzy had met a kid by the name of Corey at a club in Melbourne, and they had been pretty much inseparable ever since. Christmas of 2008, I received a phone call from Melzy to tell me that Corey had proposed to her, and that she was getting married! She was so happy.
On February 13th 2009, Melzy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Summer. She was, and still is, a spitting image of her mum as a baby. Both Melzy and Corey were ecstatic at the new member of their family. I could tell that they were going to be awesome parents.
Melzy and I stopped talking not long after this part of our lives. It was a few months after Melzy's 21st birthday. What happened here is a long and personal story, so I won't go into details of what happened. We did not speak to each other again for 2 and a half years. Melzy's little girl is now one week off turning 3. I have not only missed out on more then 2 years of my best friends life, I have also missed out on Summer. I wasn't there when she learnt to crawl, when she got her first tooth, when she learnt how to walk, her first word, her first birthday. All of these massive milestones, gone. She is still the most gorgeous little thing, and she is still the spitting image of her mum. Melzy is the best mum, as I knew from the day Summer was born, that she would be.
Now not only does Melzy and Corey celebrate their daughter's 3rd birthday this year, they are also getting married in March. I cannot believe Melzy is getting married!!! I remember all those years ago, I lost track of the amount of times I heard Melzy say we was NEVER going to get married. Corey said something to me a week or so ago, that made me realize that he loves her more then anyone else in this world, "I can't believe I'm getting married in 5 weeks. I couldn't be happier, because Melzy is my best mate". I will be standing there, proud as anything when she marries Corey. This day, will be one that I will remember, and smile about for years and years to come.
So as you can see, Melzy and I have been to the end of the earth and back for each other and with each other. I am so fortunate to have her back in my life, and I will never let another day go by where I let my selfish actions impact that. Here's to many more years of friendship, many more happy memories, and many more milestones shared.
How Time Flies
Well, well, well. A considerable amount of time has passed since my last post. And with that, comes a whole lot of events. Firstly I will start with being reunited with an old friend of mine. I have known this girl since 2000. We were the best of friends and shared so rather happy times together. Lets fast forward to the year 2008. At the time I was not with my partner, but if you must, the biggest waste of my life so far haha. We were both out of work and things were tough. Unfortunately, due to the difficult circumstances that arose from that time of my life, it caused me to behave in a way that is totally out of character. Hence that, I did something pretty stupid, and the repercussion of that was loosing a good friend. After having the scare we did with the birth of our son in October , and having my partner explain to me that having pre-eclampsia is very dangerous to not only my baby, but myself, and that I could have in fact died should it have been left untreated has put a very different view on my past. Lucky for me, and this shows the true character of this young lady, she was able to put that in the past, and move on with live, and our friendship.
Moving on. Another big milestone that has happened since my last blog, we FINALLY moved into our house!! The thought of not living with my partner's family, was a very strange feeling. We had been there for just over 7 months, and we were almost completely comfortable there (if only we had a bathroom and toilet in our dwelling!). We moved into our first house as a family of 4 on December 23rd. Although we moved into a house that only had electricity and water (yes, no gas means no working oven, cook top OR hot water) it was the space and quiet that we needed. We have since been able to get both of the kids into a proper routine regarding bed time etc, and with much delight our bubba has been sleeping through the night almost every night since we've been here. YAY!!
Two days after our move, we celebrated our bubba's first Christmas. He is still waay to young to understand what Christmas is all about, but lucky for him, he has a big brother to fill him in on all there is to know, including how to open all the presents in the shortest amount of time possible. Both of the boys were spoilt and it was really good to have our first Christmas as a family, in our own home. We visited my partner's grandparent's for Christmas lunch, with his mum's family, and the headed off to Melbourne to spend a couple of hours with my parents. It was a hectic day, but it was also the best Christmas I have had in years. We then continued our Christmas holiday, by spending Boxing day with my partner's dad and his family.
We had a visit from my partner's sister, who is currently living and studying in LA at the Stella Adler Acting Academy. This was her first visit home since bubba was born, so you can imagine how exciting and emotional it was for her to meet him for the first time. There was an instant bond between the pair, I swear!!! The 2 weeks she was home, went way too quick, and I cannot wait until she is home next!
I also rekindled another friendship, one that also makes me very angry at myself that I let this nonsense go on for so long. The best friend I have ever had in my life. Also, more proof that if you act like a wank, and take your friendships for granted, you will loose them. This girl was like my sister, which is my I am so angry at myself for letting us go almost 3 years without speaking, all over something I said to someone else. We are now friends again and I couldn't be happier.
My partner has had a birthday since my last post. He is now 25, and if you ask him, he is getting old. Sorry babe, but your not!!! I wouldn't care if he had turned 25, 25 years ago! I would still adore him!
Master Bumblebee has lost another tooth, giving us the total of 3 so far! I swear he is pulling them out himself to cash in on the tooth fairy!!! We also celebrated Master Bumblebee's 6th birthday, two days ago! We had a party for him with his school friends at the Mini Golf Center. It was a great party, although it would have been nice if it was a little bit cooler outside!
So, as you can see we have had a pretty busy couple of months over the Christmas/New Year period. With Master Bumblebee returning to school on Monday, and me returning to work on the 13th, I can tell it's only going to get busier!
Moving on. Another big milestone that has happened since my last blog, we FINALLY moved into our house!! The thought of not living with my partner's family, was a very strange feeling. We had been there for just over 7 months, and we were almost completely comfortable there (if only we had a bathroom and toilet in our dwelling!). We moved into our first house as a family of 4 on December 23rd. Although we moved into a house that only had electricity and water (yes, no gas means no working oven, cook top OR hot water) it was the space and quiet that we needed. We have since been able to get both of the kids into a proper routine regarding bed time etc, and with much delight our bubba has been sleeping through the night almost every night since we've been here. YAY!!
Two days after our move, we celebrated our bubba's first Christmas. He is still waay to young to understand what Christmas is all about, but lucky for him, he has a big brother to fill him in on all there is to know, including how to open all the presents in the shortest amount of time possible. Both of the boys were spoilt and it was really good to have our first Christmas as a family, in our own home. We visited my partner's grandparent's for Christmas lunch, with his mum's family, and the headed off to Melbourne to spend a couple of hours with my parents. It was a hectic day, but it was also the best Christmas I have had in years. We then continued our Christmas holiday, by spending Boxing day with my partner's dad and his family.
We had a visit from my partner's sister, who is currently living and studying in LA at the Stella Adler Acting Academy. This was her first visit home since bubba was born, so you can imagine how exciting and emotional it was for her to meet him for the first time. There was an instant bond between the pair, I swear!!! The 2 weeks she was home, went way too quick, and I cannot wait until she is home next!
I also rekindled another friendship, one that also makes me very angry at myself that I let this nonsense go on for so long. The best friend I have ever had in my life. Also, more proof that if you act like a wank, and take your friendships for granted, you will loose them. This girl was like my sister, which is my I am so angry at myself for letting us go almost 3 years without speaking, all over something I said to someone else. We are now friends again and I couldn't be happier.
My partner has had a birthday since my last post. He is now 25, and if you ask him, he is getting old. Sorry babe, but your not!!! I wouldn't care if he had turned 25, 25 years ago! I would still adore him!
Master Bumblebee has lost another tooth, giving us the total of 3 so far! I swear he is pulling them out himself to cash in on the tooth fairy!!! We also celebrated Master Bumblebee's 6th birthday, two days ago! We had a party for him with his school friends at the Mini Golf Center. It was a great party, although it would have been nice if it was a little bit cooler outside!
So, as you can see we have had a pretty busy couple of months over the Christmas/New Year period. With Master Bumblebee returning to school on Monday, and me returning to work on the 13th, I can tell it's only going to get busier!
Monday, 14 November 2011
And That's When I Spoke Too Soon......
A week or two ago, if you had of asked me what bubba does all day, I would have simply told you "All this child does is sleep, I swear!" Ask me that question now, and be prepared to here me tell you about how bubba has made a new enemy and that enemy is sleep! It has become a daily/nightly battle to get him to sleep without him screaming the house down first!
Today it took me 4 hours to get him to stay asleep! Every time I would put him down, he would wake up and cry and we would have to start all over again! I couldn't even go to the toilet haha. I am used to this from Master Bumblebee, he too had his moment's of not wanting to sleep, but my partner, well I think it's starting to take its toll on him. He really is starting to resemble a zombie at times haha. I really do try my hardest to not let bubba wake him up during the night, because he has to go to work, and we can sleep all day, but sometimes I just can't stay awake anymore and I have to wake him up! Not that either of us complain about this that much, we knew what we were getting ourselves into, we wouldn't have had bubba if we weren't prepared to face this.
Lucky for us, bubba being as cute as he is makes the whole thing so much easier!!! And hopefully once we move into our house, bubba may start to sleep better! Hopefully only another 3 weeks of this unsettled routine! We can start a real one, which will hopefully benefit all of us!
Saturday, 29 October 2011
If Only Murder Was Legal
I have to vent, yet again, about the piece of crap 'father' my son has the unpleasant misfortune of having. First of all, I just want to say that I hate him. I hate him more then I have ever hated anything or anyone in my life. I hate him for what he does to my son, I hate him for who he is and what he was become, even though he promised he wouldn't. I hate him for never being there, and I hate him for not staying away at the same time.
I hate that my son talks about him, and I hate that he cries almost every time he does. I hate that my son misses him, and he loves him enough for his actions to hurt him. I hate the fact that my partner has to be a dad to a child that is not his because of another person's selfish behavior, and I love my partner more than anything for having the balls to step up and do this. My son's father would never be capable of being even half the person my partner is.
I hate the fact that my son doesn't understand that his 'father' is not his little brother's dad, and regardless if he might think his brother is cute, is not allowed anywhere near him. I hate the fact that my ex only shows an interest when it suits him, yet denies my son of the opportunities that every child should have. I hate the limited level of control he still has over my life and what I can and can't do with my son. I hate the fact that for nearly 6 years I have had to be mum and dad. I hate the fact that my son will never have any happy memories of his dad. I hate that when I look at my son, I can see his dad. I hate the emotional BS my ex tries to pull and I hate that most of the time until recently it has worked.
I hate that I let it get to me, let it make me mad. I hate that my son asks to see his father, when he shouldn't have to ask at all, his dad should be there. I hate the fact that my ex treats my son as a trophy, that he was able to produce something that mattered in life. I hate that he uses my son as a way of sucking people into his lies and BS. I hate that he never has the money to pay child support, but will never go a weekend without a slab of Jim Beam. I hate that he puts himself first. I hate that he has the nerve to harass me and tell me that keeping his son away from him is not fair to him, but never has the time to call to speak to him or ask him how he is, or how school is. How is that fair?
I hate the thought that my son will never understand what type of person his father really is. I hate that my son thinks his dad doesn't do anything wrong. I hate that I can't protect him from horrible people like him and his family. People who treat every aspect of there life like they are the only people who matter. The type of people who will guilt trip you that they miss someone or something but will do absolutely nothing to change the situation. I hate that they never call my son or show him any attention unless it suits them either. I hate that fact that my son loves these people also.
I hate that my ex has the luxury of doing whatever he pleases, anytime he wants while I single-handedly look after the child we both brought into the world. I hate the fact that he might have another child that he will also do this to. I am grateful that my 3 week old has a fantastic father, and as a result at least my son has a step-father who actually cares. I hate the fact that he makes me so mad that I have to resort to blogging about my frustration. I would love to call him and tell him all this but it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't be able to control what came out and he would be told once and for all to get out of our lives. I can't say this, because he is spiteful, and his future actions would possibly only hurt my son more. That possibility, is a risk I'm not ready to run at the moment. He is already doing enough damage.
I hate that my son shares his last name. I hate that he has a biological connection to him. I hate the fact that he won't let my son change his last name to mine, even though this is what my son wants. He doesn't care about his wants and needs. I hate the fact that there is nothing that can be done to stop him doing this to someone else.
I hate the fact that I let him make me believe that his father was horrible to him and was never really ever there because of his alcoholism. I hate the fact that I believed him when he said he would never abandon his son and cause him hurt like what had happened to him. I hate the fact that I let him suck me back in when I had got away. I'm glad he couldn't do it a second time. I hate the fact that he tried to use my son as a pawn to get what he wanted. I hate the fact that he was never interested in being a father. I hate the fact that he never wanted my son, and saw his existence of a way to try and reform a relationship with me. I hate the fact that I may never be rid of him.
I hate the fact that my mum told me I would be tied to him for the rest of my life, and I knew she was right. I hate the fact that I knew that was a bad thing, and yet I did nothing, I hate the fact I used to make bad decisions. I hate the fact that I stopped hating him. I hate the fact that I let myself think he wasn't as bad as he was. I hate the fact that one stupid decision, will effect my son for the rest of his life. I hate the fact that I used to care. I'm glad I don't anymore. I'm glad I just realized that I have control over this situation, and he doesn't.
I hate that my son talks about him, and I hate that he cries almost every time he does. I hate that my son misses him, and he loves him enough for his actions to hurt him. I hate the fact that my partner has to be a dad to a child that is not his because of another person's selfish behavior, and I love my partner more than anything for having the balls to step up and do this. My son's father would never be capable of being even half the person my partner is.
I hate the fact that my son doesn't understand that his 'father' is not his little brother's dad, and regardless if he might think his brother is cute, is not allowed anywhere near him. I hate the fact that my ex only shows an interest when it suits him, yet denies my son of the opportunities that every child should have. I hate the limited level of control he still has over my life and what I can and can't do with my son. I hate the fact that for nearly 6 years I have had to be mum and dad. I hate the fact that my son will never have any happy memories of his dad. I hate that when I look at my son, I can see his dad. I hate the emotional BS my ex tries to pull and I hate that most of the time until recently it has worked.
I hate that I let it get to me, let it make me mad. I hate that my son asks to see his father, when he shouldn't have to ask at all, his dad should be there. I hate the fact that my ex treats my son as a trophy, that he was able to produce something that mattered in life. I hate that he uses my son as a way of sucking people into his lies and BS. I hate that he never has the money to pay child support, but will never go a weekend without a slab of Jim Beam. I hate that he puts himself first. I hate that he has the nerve to harass me and tell me that keeping his son away from him is not fair to him, but never has the time to call to speak to him or ask him how he is, or how school is. How is that fair?
I hate the thought that my son will never understand what type of person his father really is. I hate that my son thinks his dad doesn't do anything wrong. I hate that I can't protect him from horrible people like him and his family. People who treat every aspect of there life like they are the only people who matter. The type of people who will guilt trip you that they miss someone or something but will do absolutely nothing to change the situation. I hate that they never call my son or show him any attention unless it suits them either. I hate that fact that my son loves these people also.
I hate that my ex has the luxury of doing whatever he pleases, anytime he wants while I single-handedly look after the child we both brought into the world. I hate the fact that he might have another child that he will also do this to. I am grateful that my 3 week old has a fantastic father, and as a result at least my son has a step-father who actually cares. I hate the fact that he makes me so mad that I have to resort to blogging about my frustration. I would love to call him and tell him all this but it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't be able to control what came out and he would be told once and for all to get out of our lives. I can't say this, because he is spiteful, and his future actions would possibly only hurt my son more. That possibility, is a risk I'm not ready to run at the moment. He is already doing enough damage.
I hate that my son shares his last name. I hate that he has a biological connection to him. I hate the fact that he won't let my son change his last name to mine, even though this is what my son wants. He doesn't care about his wants and needs. I hate the fact that there is nothing that can be done to stop him doing this to someone else.
I hate the fact that I let him make me believe that his father was horrible to him and was never really ever there because of his alcoholism. I hate the fact that I believed him when he said he would never abandon his son and cause him hurt like what had happened to him. I hate the fact that I let him suck me back in when I had got away. I'm glad he couldn't do it a second time. I hate the fact that he tried to use my son as a pawn to get what he wanted. I hate the fact that he was never interested in being a father. I hate the fact that he never wanted my son, and saw his existence of a way to try and reform a relationship with me. I hate the fact that I may never be rid of him.
I hate the fact that my mum told me I would be tied to him for the rest of my life, and I knew she was right. I hate the fact that I knew that was a bad thing, and yet I did nothing, I hate the fact I used to make bad decisions. I hate the fact that I stopped hating him. I hate the fact that I let myself think he wasn't as bad as he was. I hate the fact that one stupid decision, will effect my son for the rest of his life. I hate the fact that I used to care. I'm glad I don't anymore. I'm glad I just realized that I have control over this situation, and he doesn't.
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