I have to vent, yet again, about the piece of crap 'father' my son has the unpleasant misfortune of having. First of all, I just want to say that I hate him. I hate him more then I have ever hated anything or anyone in my life. I hate him for what he does to my son, I hate him for who he is and what he was become, even though he promised he wouldn't. I hate him for never being there, and I hate him for not staying away at the same time.
I hate that my son talks about him, and I hate that he cries almost every time he does. I hate that my son misses him, and he loves him enough for his actions to hurt him. I hate the fact that my partner has to be a dad to a child that is not his because of another person's selfish behavior, and I love my partner more than anything for having the balls to step up and do this. My son's father would never be capable of being even half the person my partner is.
I hate the fact that my son doesn't understand that his 'father' is not his little brother's dad, and regardless if he might think his brother is cute, is not allowed anywhere near him. I hate the fact that my ex only shows an interest when it suits him, yet denies my son of the opportunities that every child should have. I hate the limited level of control he still has over my life and what I can and can't do with my son. I hate the fact that for nearly 6 years I have had to be mum and dad. I hate the fact that my son will never have any happy memories of his dad. I hate that when I look at my son, I can see his dad. I hate the emotional BS my ex tries to pull and I hate that most of the time until recently it has worked.
I hate that I let it get to me, let it make me mad. I hate that my son asks to see his father, when he shouldn't have to ask at all, his dad should be there. I hate the fact that my ex treats my son as a trophy, that he was able to produce something that mattered in life. I hate that he uses my son as a way of sucking people into his lies and BS. I hate that he never has the money to pay child support, but will never go a weekend without a slab of Jim Beam. I hate that he puts himself first. I hate that he has the nerve to harass me and tell me that keeping his son away from him is not fair to him, but never has the time to call to speak to him or ask him how he is, or how school is. How is that fair?
I hate the thought that my son will never understand what type of person his father really is. I hate that my son thinks his dad doesn't do anything wrong. I hate that I can't protect him from horrible people like him and his family. People who treat every aspect of there life like they are the only people who matter. The type of people who will guilt trip you that they miss someone or something but will do absolutely nothing to change the situation. I hate that they never call my son or show him any attention unless it suits them either. I hate that fact that my son loves these people also.
I hate that my ex has the luxury of doing whatever he pleases, anytime he wants while I single-handedly look after the child we both brought into the world. I hate the fact that he might have another child that he will also do this to. I am grateful that my 3 week old has a fantastic father, and as a result at least my son has a step-father who actually cares. I hate the fact that he makes me so mad that I have to resort to blogging about my frustration. I would love to call him and tell him all this but it would be a very bad idea. I wouldn't be able to control what came out and he would be told once and for all to get out of our lives. I can't say this, because he is spiteful, and his future actions would possibly only hurt my son more. That possibility, is a risk I'm not ready to run at the moment. He is already doing enough damage.
I hate that my son shares his last name. I hate that he has a biological connection to him. I hate the fact that he won't let my son change his last name to mine, even though this is what my son wants. He doesn't care about his wants and needs. I hate the fact that there is nothing that can be done to stop him doing this to someone else.
I hate the fact that I let him make me believe that his father was horrible to him and was never really ever there because of his alcoholism. I hate the fact that I believed him when he said he would never abandon his son and cause him hurt like what had happened to him. I hate the fact that I let him suck me back in when I had got away. I'm glad he couldn't do it a second time. I hate the fact that he tried to use my son as a pawn to get what he wanted. I hate the fact that he was never interested in being a father. I hate the fact that he never wanted my son, and saw his existence of a way to try and reform a relationship with me. I hate the fact that I may never be rid of him.
I hate the fact that my mum told me I would be tied to him for the rest of my life, and I knew she was right. I hate the fact that I knew that was a bad thing, and yet I did nothing, I hate the fact I used to make bad decisions. I hate the fact that I stopped hating him. I hate the fact that I let myself think he wasn't as bad as he was. I hate the fact that one stupid decision, will effect my son for the rest of his life. I hate the fact that I used to care. I'm glad I don't anymore. I'm glad I just realized that I have control over this situation, and he doesn't.
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